


You're My Digital Pet

by ashika



Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Japanese Folklore, M/M, Magic, Tamagotchi parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24372841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashika/pseuds/ashika
Summary: One evening, two ancient objects named Digital Pets are given to Gintoki and Hijikata by a witch. Gintoki is promised that he will never have to worry about hunger again, while Hijikata is promised to gain help in dealing better with difficult people. But strange things start to happen the next morning, and soon they both realize that ordinary things like using the toilet or eating mayonnaise aren’t so easy as they used to be.Mildly upset because off the turn of the events, the men return to confront the witch but she has already vanished. Gintoki and Hijikata are then forced to continue their lives with the Digital Pets as well as they can, while being fully oblivious that in the shadows there lurks someone who wishes to take the Digital Pets away from them, one way or another…
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 7
Kudos: 30





	1. Whether it’s a story or the real life, the chosen ones are usually the most annoying ones

The last beams of sunlight shone through a glass jar full of leeches on a stall’s wooden table. Some worms swam in the water while others, with their suckers, had glued themselves on the sides of the jar. And right next to the leeches wiggled frogspawn in a small metal bucket. If you stayed for a moment to listen, you could hear a frog croaking with its low, deep voice. But no-one ever stayed. A shabby stall on one of the busiest streets of the Kabuki district was a necessary evil for those who had to pass it every morning when they headed for work and every evening when they returned to their homes or just wanted to enjoy a drink in an izakaya after a long day.

“Just pass it from the other side of the street,” was always the answer whenever some poor soul would tell an outsider about the dreaded hindrance of the otherwise so lovely street. If only it was so easy, but people who walked on that street knew better. Strange things happened if one tried to pass the stall from the other side. No matter who it was, a drunken man in the middle of the night or a child heading to school early in the morning, there was always something that prevented people from passing the stall from the other side.

Once there had been a building that had caught in fire. After the fire was put out, the smoke turned into a thick, black fog and people who tried to pass through it got lost in it. It took days before everyone was saved. Then there had been a car crash; 10 police cars lost their control at the same time in the middle of a chase and crashed into each other as though they were shooting a scene for the Blues Brothers. To everyone’s surprise, not a single person was hurt. And so, after a few more bizarre accidents that people were more than eager to put behind them, they realized that they had no choice but to give in and pass the stall from the same side of the street. Because of all this, the stall had quickly become a popular gossip theme. Stories and theories about the stall’s origin were made more than there were ears to listen to them. But no-one really knew where the stall had come from. One morning it had just appeared, with its worn-out fabric roof, questionable goods and an owner ripped straight from the worst nightmares of the humankind.

Oh yes, the owner. The witch, as everyone called her, sat on her squeaking chair in the shadows of the stall every day, from sunrise to sunset, peering at the people passing by. Her grey, close set eyes seemed to glow in the darkness and the pierce gaze in them was almost unbearable to face at. There were many, who tried to avoid that unpleasant eye-contact with the witch, but somehow she always made everyone to meet her gaze, even if only for a second. Covered from head to toes with all sorts of ragged blankets, high cheekbones and pointy nose were all people could see from the witch’s wrinkled face besides her eyes (not that they had any desire to see more, wild imagination made sure of that). Not many had even heard her speak and those few who had, described her voice as husky and said that she spoke rather slowly. But because even the thought of her saying something sent shivers down the spine and made scream for mommy, hearing from the others how she sounded like was plenty enough for most people.

The witch was evil, everyone agreed on that, and she should’ve been locked up ages ago. The people had demanded for the special police force, Shinsengumi, to take care of the matter, but according to them, their hands were tied. There was no clear evidence that the witch was the cause of the accidents on the other side of the street and a scary appearance or selling leeches wasn’t a reason to arrest anyone. Obviously, people didn’t buy this, and they guessed that the only reason the witch was still free was because her one and only customer was the Chief of the Shinsengumi himself. There where wild speculations of what the Gorilla-Chief talked with the witch almost every evening, let alone bought from her, but people were sure of one thing: as long as the witch had the protection of the police, she wasn’t going to leave the street any time soon.

The witch shivered. She sniffed the air with her pointy nose, closing her eyes to concentrate on the message that a gust of wind had brought to her. Slowly she opened her eyes again, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Her time on this street was ending. Her life was ending. For 10 years, she had travelled from one city to another and watched how people passed her small stall. A soft smile then flickered across the witch’s lips. It was in this city, where for the very first time she had met a person who wasn’t disgusted of her goods or feared the look in her eyes. But in the end, this kind-hearted person with whom she had shared many conversations, wasn’t the one she had looked for. The witch turned her head, noticing a familiar face on the now silent street. _Speaking of the devil._

“Evening Granny,” a man, whose appearance resembled a tired gorilla, flopped on a chair in front of her stall.

The witch scratched her long and pointy nose, smiling gently. “It didn’t work this time either?”

The man sighed. His eyelids were swollen and purple. “No”, he mumbled. “Maybe me and Otae just aren’t meant for each other,” he dropped his head on the stall’s table. “I give up.”

“And yet here you are,” the witch said, forming a steeple with her fingers. The man raised his head and grinned sheepishly, revealing his bloody teeth. “You are the Chief of the Shinsengumi. Which girl in this town wouldn’t fall in love with a handsome and brave goril-, uh, I mean man like you?”

Folding his arms, the man leaned back on his chair and gazed at the sky dreamingly. “But she’s not like the others, Granny. For an ordinary woman, a regular gorilla like me would be fine…”

The witch frowned. The poor man had hurt his head badly this time. What did that woman think he was? A gorilla shaped punching bag?

“…but for Otae,” the man went on, his voice more confident now. “She wants more than a gorilla. Heck! She deserves more than a gorilla. She deserves an Ultimate Gorilla!”

“No, forget about the gorillas. In love, there’s no room for gorillas,” the witch shook her head, trying to bring the man back to his senses, but the Gorilla was already out from the cage of the depression.

He jumped from his chair, his eyes gleaming with excitement. “Yes! I need to show her my true Gorilla nature! Otae hates pretending. And until now I have only pretended to be a gorilla. But it ends now!”

The witch raised her voice and slammed her wrinkly hands loudly on the table. “Listen you idiot! You’re not the Tarzan!”

“That’s right Granny. I won’t be the Tarzan,” the man buffed out his chest and beat it with his fists. “I’ll be greater than him. I’ll be the King Kong of the gorillas!”

The witch threw one of her jars at the man. He had clearly lost his mind. “Don’t you remember what happened to King Kong? If you go for her acting like the King Kong, you will meet the same fate as him!”

But the man didn’t listen. Instead he swiped his finger on his uniform, the jar’s content dripping down his jacket. “Oi, Granny. What’s this this stuff?”

“It’s frogspawn.”

“Ooh, I see. Does it help me to become a better Gorilla?” the man asked enthusiastically, admiring his uniform like it was covered in gold.

“Sure, why not,” the witch rolled her eyes before she raised her hand on her mouth to cover her coughing. Yelling like that hadn’t been good for her lungs.

A big grin spread on the man’s face. “That’s the Granny I know! Once again you have given me hope. With you inspiring words and with this frogspawn I’ll win Otae’s heart!” he searched his pockets, and soon put a 1000-yen bill on the table. “Here. There’s a little extra this time,” he said gently and smiled to her once more before leaving.

The witch’s grey eyes bug out. “T-this is too much!” she called after him flustered, waiving the bill in her hand.

“You’ve deserved it, Granny. Buy some medicine with it for that nasty cough of yours,” the man replied and soon disappeared from the sight.

The witch sat on her chair, unable to move. Then she burst into laughter. A kind-hearted man indeed. Her own future didn’t look so bright, but that man would survive from any hardships in life with that endless optimism of his. She gave a small peck on the bill, before carefully placing it into a leather bag hanging from her neck. If only she had the time, she would’ve gone to buy some azuki beans, her favorite food. The witch bended on her chair, pulling a big cardboard box on the ground closer. Teapots, clocks, and books covered her most valuable belongings that she had protected with her life all this time. She picked a small red and battered wooden coffer and placed it on the table.

Two foxes were painted on the side of the coffer, their tails forming a golden heart around the lock. Probing her blankets that had small pockets in them, she found a rusty key. She turned the key in the lock, and slowly with her shaky hands she opened the coffer. The sight of the two small egg-shaped objects on a velvet pillow made the corners of her eyes crinkle. Digital Pets they were called, hundreds of years old.

_Find the chosen ones._

This task had been pointed to the witch when one of her kind had given them to her. With all her might she had travelled through the country searching for these two persons who were meant to be the final owners of the Digital Pets. The Digital Pets could feel the presence of the chosen ones, or so she had been told, but after 10 long years, the Digital Pets hadn’t reacted in any way to people passing her stall. Suddenly the witch shivered again, and she quickly closed the coffer. Her hands trembled on the table. She licked her lips, her throat feeling dry and tight.

 _He_ was approaching.

The witch held the coffer close to her chest. She was too tired, too weak. The coffer would be taken from her in a heartbeat. Her eyes began to tear up, but she refused to cry. She wouldn’t be able to fight back, but she wouldn’t beg for mercy either from that horrible beast. The witch pressed the coffer harder against her chest. Yes, the beast. She didn’t know his true name, and didn’t care to know. For decades he had chased after the Digital Pets, driven by revenge. But now it seemed that his chase was finally coming to an end. Every ten years, the Digital Pets had been passed from one guardian to another, but now she had failed. She hadn’t found the final owners, who were said to destroy the Digital Pets nor had she found a new guardian. The witch let out a few raspy coughs, placing the coffer back on the table. The Digital Pets were doomed to become the tools for the beast’s revenge, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She gazed at the horizon and its beautiful red and yellow colors the setting sun had created. This would be a sight to remember in the afterlife.

“Why should I be arrested?!”

The witch almost jumped out of her blankets. Something was happening on the other side of the street. She narrowed her eyes, noticing a man dressed in a white kimono. His hair was wavy and silver like the hair of an old man, but his face was young and handsome. He was spreading his arms at a man whose hair was almost as dark as the uniform he was wearing. His bangs had a weird V-shape, but otherwise he was a very handsome looking young man. There was also something familiar about him. He pointed at the wavy-haired man with his finger, yelling from the top of his lungs.

“You attacked a police-officer! I think there’s a reason enough!”

The wavy-haired man was seemingly upset from such an accusation. “Attacked? I merely guided you away from that nice lady with whom you started to get a little too friendly,” he jerked his head at the direction where this ‘nice lady’ had apparently left.

“And you thought that if you throw a milk carton on my head, I’ll get the hint?” the dark-haired man pointed at his head, drops of white liquid slowly dripping down his face. “She was just asking for directions. And it was _she_ who tried to get too friendly with me!”

“Well then I saved you from a public humiliation, because a guy like you would only embarrass himself with a high-quality lady like - hic!” the wavy-haired man mocked the other man, hiccups every now and then interrupting his talking.

“You are drunk, aren’t you? Very good. That gives me even better reason to arrest you,” the dark-haired man gritted his teeth and dialed his phone, presumably to call for a back-up.

The wavy-haired man stepped forward, trying to grab the phone. “I’m not - hic! - drunk! I just drank my strawberry milk too fast, hence the hiccups. I was enjoying it to the fullest, when suddenly I heard a weird - hic! - sound coming from inside the carton. Then I was: ‘Hmm? Is it the calcium that’s humming? Have my ears, thanks to the - hic! - calcium, sharpened so well that I can already hear it talking?’ Then I peeked inside and there was a bee inside! I could have – hic! - swallowed it! I had to get rid of it, so I threw the milk at the nearest trash bin. Do you know what would have happened if I had – hic! - swallowed the bee?”

“I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you, that’s for sure. And who are you calling a trash bin? Dammit Sougo, pick up!” the dark-haired man cursed at his phone.

“Hic! You just never learn, now do you?” the wavy-haired man said. “The Shogun himself will call me for a drink before that kid will answer to you -hic!”

The dark-haired man’s hands clenched into fists, and the witch could practically hear across the street the cracking noise of a breaking phone. “I´ve had enough with you,” he finally said, turning his back at the other man and crossed the street as he lit a cigarette. “You´d better not pull stunts like this again or I’ll seriously arrest you.”

“If you only find a vehicle that will – hic! - take me behind the bars, that is,” the wavy-haired man retorted, before going on his way as well.

The coffer shook on the witch’s desk. She leaned forward on her seat, biting her lip as she looked at these two young impulsive men going their separate ways. There was no mistaking it. Those two men; they were the chosen ones she had been looking for the past 10 years. The witch wrapped her arms around herself, her legs fidgeting. Now she just needed to lure the men to take the powerful objects that were meant for them.

The dark-haired man approached the stall and now that he was closer, the witch recognized him. A young cop with a sadistic glint in his eyes had once given her a picture of this man and asked if she could put a curse on him. The witch straightened herself. Well, it depended on one’s point of view if having a Digital Pet was a curse or blessing. But she had to do this. This was her only chance to stop the beast from carrying out his revenge.

“Why isn’t it the infamous Demon Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi, Hijikata Toushirou?” the witch called out the Vice-Chief, who startled a bit from the sudden call of his name. But when he turned to face the witch behind her stall, he quickly changed back to his hardened expression. “Enjoying a small evening walk, are we?” the witch asked, leaning forward on her chair.

“What there is left to enjoy…,” the Vice-Chief glanced over his shoulder, eyes narrowed.

“Mmm, what an unfortunate incident you just had there,” the witch nodded and watched how the Vice-Chief took a deep drag of his cigarette before puffing out a smoke cloud, his tense shoulders immediately relaxing.

“Unfortunate, indeed. And one of many more to come, for sure,” he assured and kept smoking his cigarette, while stealing quick glances at the stall.

“Seeing something you like?” the witch pushed her jars and bottles closer to him.

“You’re that witch,” he muttered, wrinkling his nose at the goods.

“That’s what people call me,” the witch agreed and rested her chin on her palm.

“But you can also call me voodoo or magician if you like,” she winked and gave a lopsided grin.

“I think a con-artist would suite you the best as a name,” the Vice-Chief said. “That…,” he tapped a small tabletop banner stand with his finger. “…works as an evidence.”

The witch read out loud the text she had written on the banner. “Love advises and amulets: 500 yen/advise/amulet.” She raised her eyebrows. “Doesn’t the Vice-Chief believe in love?”

The Vice-Chief took another drag of his cigarette. “Those who use love-potions, amulets, spells or other tricks to find love are just lying to themselves. If it’s not genuine, it doesn’t matter how much the other says he or she loves you. You can teach a parrot to say, ‘I love you,’ and you’ll have the same result. Just empty words.”

The witch giggled. “You speak wisely. I guess love isn’t so unfamiliar to you as one could assume from the Demon,” she said, and got a silent glare as a reply. “But I agree with you. Love should be genuine,” she continued, and looked deeply into the Vice-Chief’s blue eyes. “That’s why I don’t sell love-potions or spells. I only sell…tools,” she briefly touched the red coffer. “To help people build a strong relationship.”

The Vice-Chief’s blue eyes bored into the witch.“And you also state the obvious and call them love advises worth of 500 yen.”

The witch smiled faintly. So that’s what this was all about. “You’re referring to your Chief…”

The Vice-Chief nodded. “A normal person would visit you once or twice and be done with it, but he’s so in love with this woman that he’s ready to give all his money for you. And I’m sorry, but I’d rather see him use his money on something useful than wasting them on ‘love advises’ that even I could probably tell him.”

The witch was silent for a moment, wondering what she should say. The Vice-Chief hadn’t raised his voice even once, but she could tell from his tense tone of voice that his interest and patient with her was wearing thin. She had to act now if she wanted to success in her plan.

“What about you then?” she asked and touched the coffer slowly. Her eyes followed the Vice-Chief’s facial expressions like a hawk. “Is there something I could help you with?”

The man didn’t reply, but he had seemed to take an interest in the coffer. With a calculating look on his face, he stared at the coffer.

_Yes. It’s calling for you. You can hear it. Come, Demonic Vice-Chief, and take what is meant for yo-_

“Are you selling drugs?” he asked bluntly.

The witch almost fell back on her chair. “What?”

The Vice-Chief folded his arms and held his chin up, now eyeing the stall very interested. “I knew there was something fishy here besides your 500-yen love advises. All sorts of mushrooms you’ve got there, granny,” he pointed the three jars beside the red coffer.

The witch’s eyes roamed over the mushrooms. “The- these?”

“Those are psilocybin mushrooms, right?” the Vice-Chief continued. “Few of those and you’re high as King Kong in the tower.”

The witch’s eyes winded. _Why would you use the King Kong as an example? Are you a closet-gorilla?_

“Okay, you’re under arrest for possessing and selling illegal drugs. You have the right to remain silent,” the Vice-Chief said and took out the handcuffs. “Step away from the stall,” he gestured with his hand.

“Now wait just a minute!” the witch threw her hands in the air, cold sweat pouring down her face. “These are not drugs! I’m not a drug dealer!”

The Vice-Chief looked genuinely puzzled for a moment. “Huh. Where have I heard that before?” Then his face went blank again. “Oh, that’s right. From every drug dealer granny I’ve ever busted.”

_How many innocent elderlies have you arrested, damn nicotine closet-gorilla?_

The witch bit her fingernails, eyes fixed on the mushrooms. She hadn’t expected that things would go like this! She then grabbed one of the mushroom jars and opened it. “Look! I’m… not… hallucinating!” she stuffed her mouth full of mushrooms like a greedy hamster.

“And now you’re destroying the evidence right in front of an officer. One daring drug-dealer granny you’re,” the Vice-Chief noted, and took one last drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out with the heel of his shoe.

“I’m telling you, I’m not a drug dealer!” the witch sprang to her feet from her chair, but made sure that her blankets kept covering her body. Only God knew what would happen, if the overly eager Vice-Chief even caught a glimpse of her body.

“We’ll find out soon,” the Vice-Chief replied firmly when putting the witch in handcuffs.

“But if I won’t start acting weirdly, doesn’t it mean that the mushrooms are harmle-?” the witch began, but then she started to cough, forcing her to sit down again.

“Oi, what’s wrong?” the Vice-Chief’s stoned expression suddenly softened when he noticed the witch bending her back from the force of the coughs.

“I just have a small flue. No need to worry,” she told him. “So,” she straightened her back and gazed at him. “Are we going then?”

The Vice-Chief hesitated, as if pondering his answer. “I guess we can wait here for a while,” he relented, and took off the handcuffs. “It’s not like you can outrun me, if you decide to escape” he added, and lit another cigarette before sitting down as well on a chair in front of the stall.

The witch let out a sigh and folded her hands on her lap. “Well, would you be interested to hear what kind of goods I have to offer?”

Crossing his legs, the Vice-Chief took a glance at the table before closing his eyes and puffing out a cloud of smoke. “Go ahead.”

The witch smiled shortly. She didn’t know where this sudden act of kindness from the demon had come from, but she decided to take an advance of it. “Maybe this will arouse your interest,” she said and took the red coffer closer to her. She opened the coffer’s lit and took one of the Digital Pets in her hand from a velvet pillow. The Vice-Chief opened his eyes and leaned forward on his chair, resting his elbows on the table. “Do you want to know what this is?” the witch showed the Digital Pet that was small enough to fit on her palm. It was otherwise blue but three tiny buttons under its screen were white.

“Not really, but I guess you’re going to tell me anyway,” the Vice-Chief said and propped his chin on his palm, holding the cigarette between his fingers.

The witch didn’t mind his customer’s obvious lack of interest. He would soon pay attention. “Well this…” she began. “…is what I call the ‘Digital Pet’, or ‘Digi Pet’ for short. Don’t let the name fool you,” she rushed to say, when she noticed the man’s questioning stare. “It’s merely a symbolic name. You know how on the streets, strangers will come to chat with you more easily if you have a dog with you or some other cuddly animal? Well, like real animals, this will help you to interact with people.”

“Doesn’t look like it,” the Vice-Chief pointed the black screen of the object with his cigarette.

“It will turn on when the owner touches it,” the witch said. The Vice-Chief raised his eyebrows. “Oh, I’m not the owner. I’m just the guardian of this little one,” she petted the Digital Pet. “The owner can only be someone like… you,” she held out the Digital Pet for the Vice-Chief to take it into his own hands.

He smirked. “I get to interact with people plenty enough, whether I wanted or not. I don’t need devices for that,” he stood up from his chair and rolled his shoulders. “If it prevented me from meeting _certain_ annoying people, then I might be interested.”

“It doesn’t do that,” the witch admitted and watched the small blue object on her hand lovingly. “But it might help you get along better with _certain_ people,” she said and offered the Digital Pet once more to the Vice-Chief. “Give it a try.”

After a long hesitation, the Vice-Chief finally reached out for the Digital Pet. The moment it touched his hand, it beeped loudly and the dark screen brightened. He lifted his gaze to the witch, already looking remorseful for accepting such a thing. “What’s this wiggling red egg in the screen?”

“It’s your pet that’s soon going to hatch,” the witched replied, rubbing her hands together excitedly.

“Pet,” the Vice-Chief repeated, like he had just learned a new word.

“You can hang it from your belt if you like,” the witch gave a hint and pointed a chain that was attached to the end of the Digital Pet. “Then you’ll always have it with you.”

“Like I would keep something like this in sight,” the Vice-Chief retorted and shoved the Digital Pet in his uniform’s jacket’s pocket.

“Suite yourself,” the witch shrugged. “But you’ll have to keep it safe and unharmed.” She wasn’t sure if he had heard her warning, for the Vice-Chief had returned his attention back to the mushrooms.

“I’ll take these with me,” he said and picked up the three jars. “We’ll examine these in the headquarters. If they turn out to be drugs, I’ll drag you to cell,” he warned, and with that, he left the stall.

“I’ll be waiting,” the witch said, massaging the back of her neck.

Now she needed to do the same trick for the other man, if only she could find him first. The Vice-Chief’s egg would never hatch if the other Digital Pet didn’t have an owner. But just when the witch was going to leave her stall to look for the wavy-haired man, she noticed that he was walking towards her. She returned to her seat and took a deep breath. After this, it would be done. She prayed that this man wouldn’t be so difficult to deal with. At least his hiccup seemed to be gone. That had to be a good sign. When the man was about to pass her, the witch called his attention.

“Young man. Could I interest you with some of my goods?”

The man stopped in his tracks, and turned to look at the witch and her table. “What you’ve got there, granny?” he eyed the goods, rubbing his chin. “Leeches, frogspawn? Hmm… sounds very appetizing but unfortunately, I just ate a bucket of grilled spiders and I’m full,” he tapped his stomach.

“They are not for eating,” the witch said. “They treat ailments.”

“Is that so? So you’re a doctor. What a coincidence,” the man said and began to open his kimono. “I have this strange looking mole on my chest and…,”

The witch rolled her eyes. It didn’t need a doctor to tell that the ‘mole’ was only a drop of melted chocolate or something similar. “I’m not a doctor.”

“Oh? Who are you then?”

The witch knitted her eyebrows. “You…you don’t know me?”

The man pondered for a moment and then snapped his fingers. “Aah, you’re the old lady whose cat I saved a few months ago.”

The witch’s lips pursed in displeasure. “No, I don’t have a cat.”

“I see,” the man rubbed his chin, gazing at the sky. “Then you’re the granny from whom I saved a cat.”

The witch slammed her fist on the table. “I said I don’t own a cat, didn’t I? Don’t you really know who I am? The witch! The evil, who forces people to walk pass her stall every day! None of that rings a bell to you?”

The man ran his hand through his hair. “Give me a break. Grannies spring up like mushrooms. You can’t expect me to keep up with all of you.”

The witch cleared her throat, calming herself down. “You’re right. Enough about me. I’m just one of the many grannies. Let’s talk about you. Would you be interested in something like this?” she hurried to lift a red Digital Pet from the coffer. “This is Digi Pet. A useful object which... “

“Eeh? Did you say Di*k Pet?” the man interrupted, an amusement sparkling in his dead eyes when he looked at the Digital Pet. “Oi, listen granny. I like the kinky stuff as much as the next guy, but I have my limits. And I have a dog, you know. What would he think if I brought home something like that?”

“I didn’t say Di*k Pet, I said _Digi_ Pet.”

“Eeh? Di*key Betts? That American guitarist and singer? You sure are something, granny. You managed to put him inside that little thing?”

“It’s not Di*key Betts!”

“It’s not?” the man folded his arms. “Well then you shouldn’t sell it with a name like that. False advertising, I tell you,” he scowled at the witch. “Really, you can’t trust anyone these days, now can you?”

The witch bit her tongue and swallowed her frustration. She had to stay calm. This was her only chance. “Like I was saying, Digital Pet…” she gave a tight-lipped smile, “…helps you to interact with people.”

“Huh? People use devices for that now?” the man asked in surprise.

“Well, not everyone. You see, these are…”

The man cut the witch off again, scratching his head. “Man, they just keep inventing new things every day. Sure, today’s kids can handle every device you put in front of them, but what about the older generation, huh? We are cruelly left behind with our quills and old textbooks.”

The witch could feel her veins popping out on her temple. “Again, like I said, not everyone uses these. Only the rare chosen ones…”

“Just when you thought that handling a computer was enough. And they say technology is the future? Well screw that! This world is full of Tony Starks who invent stuff on a whim. And the rest of us are Pepper Potts who just try to get a hang of those things!”

The wavy-haired man went on and on with his rant. The witch struggled to keep her nerves. The man was impossible! He was focusing on the wrong things. Either he was the biggest idiot she had ever met or… the realization hit the witch like one of the Ironman’s missiles from the sky. He was onto her! That was the only logical explanation why he blathered like this. Maybe he didn’t know exactly, what it was that she was trying to sell him, but he knew that there was more to the Digital Pet than met the eye. And now, instead of just saying ‘no thank you, not interested’ or just walking away, he was striking her down with his nonsense, making sure that she wouldn’t try to sell him anything ever again. No, this man wasn’t an idiot. He was a cold-blooded strategist. Every salesman’s nightmare!

“W-well, if you feel like you’re struggling with new technology, why not start with this then?” she waved the Digital Pet in her hand from its chain. “This is pretty simple to handle. It only has three buttons.”

The wavy-haired man picked his nose with his pinky, hardly even watching the Digital Pet. “And what would I do with it?”

The witch’s nostrils flared. _You wouldn’t ask if you had just let me explain!_

“You take care of the little pet inside this and in exchange you will get help in your everyday life, from using the toilet to eating.”

The man blinked his eyes. “Eh? Does it keep my fridge full of food?”

“No, but if the Digital Pets are used right, they should take care of people’s hunger.”

The man instantly grabbed the red Digital Pet from the witch and soon she heard a beeping noise when the Digital Pet turned on. “Oi. Does this mean that I’ll have eggs for breakfast?” the man pointed a blue wiggling egg that had appeared in the Digital Pet’s screen.

“Your pet is hatching. By tomorrow morning it should be born, and it will be your partner from then on.”

The man nodded, a shade of worry crossing his face. “I’m a little short on the money currently…”

The witch chuckled. “No need to worry. It’s a gift. Use it wisely.”

“Oh, ok. Thanks granny,” the man waved for goodbye and left.

The witch dropped her head on the table and let out a deep sigh. It was done. It had been much harder than she had expected, but it was finally done. She coughed, and watched how the wavy-haired man disappeared from her sight. The Vice-Chief’s life was now literally in his hands, and vice versa. The evening was turning into a night, people’s laughing and jingling of the glasses emanating from the nearby restaurants. A gust of wind blew over the stall, and the witch raised her head. A lonely figure wearing a black kimono-like robe and a traditional Japanese straw hat, walked down the empty street, approaching her stall. The witch hurried to hide the coffer under her blankets. She closed her eyes, listening how the sound of the footsteps got closer and closer. A low, honeyed voice then greeted her.

“Evening. What an unusual outfit you have,” the voice said, with hint of an amusement.

The witch opened her eyes. A hand lifted the straw hat, revealing a face of a man under it. The beast smiled wolfishly, a yellow glint in his eyes. He had no facial hair, resembling closely an old monk which probably was his intent. Thin and dark were his eyebrows, a scar crossing the left one. The beast noticed that the witch was looking at it.

“It has healed just fine, hasn’t it,” he said, running his finger along the scar. “I think it gives a nice edge to my dashing good looks.”

The witch dropped her gaze to her hands resting on the table. Even though it had been years since the last time she had seen the beast, the sight of the scar still made her stomach drop.

“Don’t worry, I’ve already forgiven you,” the beast lifted the witch’s chin up with his hand, forcing her to meet his eyes. “After all, I’m a holy man,” he gave a wink. “So, tell me,” he let go of the witch’s chin and poked her on the shoulder. “What’s with the granny look, huh? How old are you, 200, 300 years old?”

“110.”

An overly shocked expression spread on the beast’s face. “Well no wonder you look like that. You’re still so young that you couldn’t possibly know how these kinds of things are done,” he bemoaned and sat on the desk. “Listen dear, we don’t do grannies. Young girls and beautiful women, those are more our style.”

“Well then our views about beauty and youth are very different,” the witch said and then felt heat rising on her face. She hadn’t meant to say something that bold, but feeling like a mouse that a cat was playing with, frustrated her.

The beast laughed. “But you got to admit, I make quite a hot monk, don’t I?" he wiggled his eyebrows. “Anyway, if you looked like pretty lady, you could have a chance to sell these…things,” he lifted a lid of one of the jars containing leeches, a line appearing between his eyebrows. “Do you have any azuki beans here? Or tofu? I’m starved from having to run after you all these years,” he went through the bottles and jars on the table like a hungry raccoon, throwing everything on the ground. But then he spotted the red coffer under the blanket, and the playful gleam that had been in his eyes till now, dimmed. He took the coffer closer to himself and opened it, only to find the empty velvet pillow inside it. The beast’s upper lip twitched, but he kept talking with a care-free tone. “So, you’ve found them the new owners?”

The witch nodded. “The final owners.”

The beast closed the coffer, smiling mockingly. “Final owners? What kind of mumble jumble have you come up with your friends?”

“They will bring the end to all this. They will destroy the Digital Pets once and for all.”

“Is that so?” the beast jumped off from the table, looking left and right up the street. “The last time I checked, The Digital Pets were the ones destroying the owners, not the other way around.”

For the first time since the arrival of the beast, a faint smile flickered across the witch’s face “They can do it. I’ve never seen anything quite like those two men.”

“Men?” the beast turned to her, visibly confused. He sniffed disparagingly. “Well, it takes all kinds.”

“The other one even has a dog,” the witch said, her smile growing bigger when the beast flinched.

The beast’s eyes were now cold and his mouth set in a hard line as he placed his hands on the table, leaning closer to the witch. His voice wasn’t joyful anymore. “Once I get my hands on the Digital Pets, that cute little smile of yours will fade and you’ll hope that you had aimed just a bit better,” he tapped his scar. His eyes then landed on the leather bag hanging from the witch’s neck. She leaned back on her chair, turning her face away when the beast snatched the bag from her. His mouth curved into a wicked grin when he looked inside. “Oh my, don’t tell me you sold your most precious thing for these?” he turned the bag upside down, coins dropping on the table.

The witch raised her hand to her mouth to cover a cough. It was getting harder to breath, a burning sensation filling her throat and lungs.

“It’s already that bad huh?” the beast said. “Well that explains it. First I thought it was just a plain inexperience from you to dress like a granny, but honestly, you couldn’t have made these old blankets work with a pretty woman,” he shook his head and lifted one of the blankets, peeking inside. “Humans would tell you to shave if they saw this,” he chuckled dryly. “You’ve lost it, haven’t you? While travelling through the country, trying to find these ‘final owners’,” he gave the witch a pitying look that almost seemed genuine. “After all the hard work you did, and the death is the only reward you will ever get. Can’t say I envy you,” he said and picked from the witch’s leather bag a 1000-yen bill, the one that the Gorilla-Chief had given to him.

The witch leaped from the chair and reached her hand towards the beast, eyes filling with tears. She couldn’t fight him or resist him. To plead was all she could do, so that the beast wouldn’t take from her the one thing that reminded her from the kindness the humans had in them.

The beast looked down his nose at the witch’s reached out arm. “It’s not like you have any use for this,” he said and put the bill back into the bag. He swiped the coins on the table into the bag as well and hide it under his hat, before walking away from the stall.

“You can’t do it,” the witch called after him, struggling to keep her voice steady. “Just because the Digital Pets caused you grief, that doesn’t mean you can go and destroy innocent lives for a revenge!”

The beast stopped in his tracks but didn’t turn around. After a few seconds of silence, he finally spoke, almost like growling. “Innocent lives? How much did innocent lives mean to that mutant who created those tools of the devil? How much did our innocent lives mean to her when she gave them to me and my friend? Oh, I’m not going to use them for a revenge,” he said, laughing mirthlessly. “I’ll just make this world a little better place to live in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me six months to write this. Hopefully the next chapter won't take that long.  
> Thank you for reading! Stay safe and healthy!


	2. The worst things come in small sizes

Gintoki woke with a rumbling stomach. He sniffed, as the smell of freshly cooked rice wafted into his nose, making the rumbling even louder. A whirling sensation filled his head when he sat up, and a queasy feeling in his stomach made him question if there was any point to get up. These sensations were nothing new to Gintoki, of course. He always felt like this whenever he had enjoyed a bit too much alcohol. But the heavy drinking couldn’t be the reason for his condition now because last night, instead of drinking, he had… he had…Gintoki pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to remember the last night’s events. He then noticed that instead of his pajamas, he was wearing his kimono. Gintoki tilted his head, knitting his eyebrows. Once again, the logical explanation for this would’ve been the large amount of consumed alcohol, but why couldn’t he even remember going to a bar? Gintoki stretched his arms above his head, yawning. Hopefully the breakfast would help clear his head.

“Morning Gin-san,” Shinpachi greeted as Gintoki sat down at the breakfast table.

“Morning Gin-chan,” Kagura greeted as well. Her mouth was so full of rice that Gintoki could hardly make out what she was saying.

“What was that?” Gintoki poked his ear with his pinky. “Sorry, I don’t speak gibberish.”

Kagura shrugged her shoulders and kept stuffing more rice into her mouth. “You don’t have to speak it. Understanding it is enough.”

“Here, Gin-san,” Shinpachi placed a bowl of rice in front of Gintoki.

“Thanks,” Gintoki said, staring hungrily at the food, drops of saliva nearly dripping down from his corners of mouth. Despite the nausea, his appetite for food was greater than ever. Before he tucked into his breakfast, he turned to Kagura. “Say, was I drunk last night when I came home?”

“No,” Kagura replied as she chewed, grains of rice spraying out on the table. “But you seemed very tired.”

“Ah, I see,” Gintoki nodded.

He had probably been so exhausted that he hadn’t bothered to change into pajamas. That made sense. But it still didn’t explain why he now felt so dizzy and nauseous. And what had caused him to feel dead tired in the first place? Gintoki buried his face in his hands. It was way too early for this kind of brainwork.

“And you beeped,” Kagura added.

“Beeped?” Gintoki repeated, not sure if he had heard that right.

“Beeped,” Kagura said, before her face disappeared behind the rice bowl as she lifted it close to her mouth.

Gintoki shook his head. Apparently, it was Kagura who had enjoyed more than one drink last night. Humans didn’t beep. Unless you said something that needed to be censored, that is. “Itadakimasu,” Gintoki grabbed the chopsticks from the table and picked up his bowl. Or at least, that was his intention. His arm didn’t move. It rested on the table but he couldn’t move it to take the rice bowl in his hand. He tried with his other arm, but it didn’t move either.

Shinpachi sat down at the table, noticing Gintoki’s unusual stillness in front of food. “What’s wrong, Gin-san?”

“I can’t move my arms,” Gintoki said through gritted teeth, trying to push his left arm towards the bowl with his right arm.

“What do you mean you can’t move them? You’re moving them right now.”

“But I can’t reach the bowl!”

“Okay…” Shinpachi replied. He didn’t seem to understand what the problem was. “I’ll give it to you then,” he pushed the bowl closer to Gintoki.

Now that the bowl was touching his left hand, Gintoki tried to pick it up again, but his hand remained still. His fingers didn’t even bend towards the bowl.

Shinpachi pushed his glasses up. The tone of his voice had changed from confusion to irritation. “Are you joking right now?”

“Trust me. If you knew how hungry I am, you would know that I’m not kidding,” Gintoki said, as he tried to use his legs to take the bowl, but they didn’t do any better.

Frustrated with his limbs, he decided to eat the food straight from the table with his mouth. He got closer and closer to the rice but just when he was near enough to even lick it, his head stopped moving.

The table shook, when Kagura put down her empty bowl. “Have you gotten old, Gin-chan? Stiffness is usually the first sign of old age,” she said without a trace of concern in her voice as she picked pieces of rice from Gintoki’s bowl with her chopsticks.

Gintoki glared at her. “I’m in the best shape of my life. The only thing that’s old in me is the yesterday’s dinner.”

“Then you better hurry up and eat your breakfast or I’ll eat it.”

“You’re already eating it!” Gintoki snapped.

He tried to take his bowl out of Kagura’s reach, but soon he dropped his head on the table in defeat. It was no use. He was like a sloth trying to protect its food from a hungry rabbit.

“Gin-san, should we call a doctor?” Shinpachi said, sounding a bit worried now.

“We should call straight to old folks’ home,” Kagura said munching. “It will only get worse. Soon we’ll have to help him use the toilet too.”

Gintoki raised his head and slammed his disobedient hands against the table. “You’re going to ditch me like that?”

“You should visit that toilet now and see how it works, so that we’ll know what kind of help you’ll need.”

“You can’t put me in a retirement home! They usually have only _one_ tv in the living room!”

“ _That’s_ what worries you?” Shinpachi exclaimed.

“Fine! I’ll show you what I’m made of,” Gintoki stood up and puffed out his chest. “I’ll take the biggest dump of my life and take care of the wiping by myself. Then we’ll see who’s an old man!”

“Forget the old man!” Shinpachi screamed. “You sound like a child trying to prove his parents he can use the toilet alone!”

“That’s the second phase,” Kagura said, and picked up Gintoki’s bowl from the table. “Eventually the old people start acting like children again.”

Shinpachi gave a nervous laugh. “How can he already be in the second phase? How fast do you think Gin-san is aging?”

Kagura gazed at Gintoki with a dull expression on her face, wiping the grains of rice from her lips with her sleeve. “We should decide what we’re going to write on his gravestone.”

“You’re _burying me_ already?” Gintoki cried out and stormed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

He rubbed his stomach. Just the thought of him being old made it boil from anger. At this point he wouldn’t have been surprised if lava came out of his ass once he would sit on the toilet seat. He was starving, yet the brats still dared to make fun of him. He gripped the lid of the toilet seat to lift it up, but just like his arms earlier, it refused to move. As if it had been glued on the seat. And come to think of it, it probably was.

“Oh, very funny Kagura!” he yelled, and kept yanking the lid until he finally managed to lift it up.

Not wanting to get stuck on the toilet seat for the rest of the day, Gintoki took a closer look at the seat, but he couldn’t spot any traces of glue whatsoever. The lid was clean as well. He stared at his hands, clenching them into fists and opening them again. It was probably just morning stiffness. Yeah, that’s it, there was no reason to get worried. He carelessly whistled as he opened his pants and let them drop down to his ankles before sitting on the seat.

Time passed, but no matter how hard Gintoki tried, nothing was coming out of him. He ran his hands through his sweat-moistened hair, legs wildly trembling. No way could his ass have a morning stiffness too? But what was the problem then? He clearly had to go; he could feel that there was something that begged to come out of him but he just couldn’t release it! Gintok took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down as he stood up and turned to face the toilet seat. There was still one thing he should try to do before losing it.

“Ok, do your thing…,” he coaxed to his member.

Gintoki tried everything he could think of. He sang songs and jumped up and down, but despite all the tricks he did, he didn’t manage to release even a drop. Gintoki’s hands began to tremble and his face twitched like he was having a seizure. Maybe he was having a seizure, he didn’t know. Rational thinking had packed its bags and left his brain without looking back. Now the only thing left was to scream like a maniac.

“AAARRGGHHH!”

Gintoki heard footsteps approaching the toilet and soon there was a knock on the door.

“Gin-san, what’s wrong?” Shinpachi asked. “Can I come in?”

Gintoki’s answer came out as a whimper, and carefully Shinpachi opened the door. When he saw Gintoki nearly in tears, his jaw dropped.

“I can’t do it, Shinpachi!” Gintoki stumbled on his dropped pants when he tried to take a step forward. “I can’t do number 2, I can’t do number 1! Heck, I could hardly even lift the lid of the toilet seat!”

Shinpachi fixed the glasses on his nose, his eyes filled with shock. “Wait here, Gin-san,” he said in a rushed manner. Keeping his voice normal was clearly a struggle to him. “I’ll call a doctor,” he added, while slowly backing away, as though making sure that the image he was seeing was real. Then he disappeared from the doorway.

“Ah, y-you do that,” Gintoki nodded and sat down on the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees. Shivers went down his spine and his heart beated furiously as he tried to bring rational thinking back in the game. So, he couldn’t eat. Or use the toilet. No big deal, right? There was no reason to get worried, right? Shinpachi would call the doctor and then everything would be normal again.

_Right?_

Gintoki rocked back and forth on the floor, biting his fingernails. This was bad. This was very bad. Surely the doctor would think that he had gone mad. And why wouldn’t he think like that? Even to Gintoki it seemed to be the most logical explanation right now.

_Beep, beep!_

An electric noise interrupted Gintoki’s dark thoughts, and he felt something vibrating against his leg. Looking down, he noticed a small red object hanging from his belt. Suddenly, the last night’s events came lively back to his mind. That old granny at the stall; she had given him this weird object. Wanting to distract his thoughts from his current state even for a second, Gintoki took a closer look at the red object. Di*k Pet, was it? Or something like that. The blue wiggling egg had hatched and now there was a small, dark-haired figure on the screen. It resembled a human, but its head was much bigger compared to the rest of its body and its eyes were big and blue. The figure rubbed its tummy and crossed it legs, looking miserable.

“Huh? You’re hungry? And you want to use a toilet as well?” Gintoki tried to understand the little figure’s movements. “What do you expect me to do? I’ve got problems of my own currently! Weren’t you supposed to help me take care of _my_ hunger? Your little step dance doesn’t help a damn thing!”

Just as Gintoki was about to throw the beeping object through a wall, the witch’s husky voice suddenly echoed in his mind. _You take care of the little pet inside this and in exchange you will get help in your everyday life, from using the toilet to eating_.

Gintoki’s brain whirled. So, did he get this right? If he wanted to use the toilet or eat something, he would first have to take care of this little stepping squirrel’s problems? Gintoki breathed rapidly, his grip around the Digital Pet tightening. He sprang to his feet, pulled his pants back on and dashed out of the toilet. He saw Shinpachi talking into his phone.

“Yes, I think you should come to see him as soon as possible,” Shinpachi said. “I think it’s something serious this time,” he glanced at Kagura who was standing next to him, eating a pickled seaweed.

“Ask the doc does he know a shop where they sell cheap coffins,” she said bluntly.

“Kagura-chan! Gin-san is…”

“Going to kill that witch!” Gintoki roared and ran out of the house, Shinpachi yelling after him.

“GIN-SAN!”

Gintoki raced down the street, the Digital Pet beeping by his side. “Pipe down will you! You’ll be reunited with your owner in a sec!” he snatched the Digital Pet from his belt, ready to slam it against the witch’s table when he approached the place where he had met her. “You old hag! Give me back my ability to eat and use the toilet!”

When Gintoki reached the place where the outrageous scam had happened, he noticed much to his displeasure, that there was no sign of the stall nor the witch. Blinking his eyes in disbelief, Gintoki then saw a person standing next to him. He was dressed in black, and was breathing just as heavily as Gintoki. And the face of that man was way too familiar.

“You,” Gintoki breathed, staring at the Shinsengumi’s Vice-Chief.

Hijikata turned his blood thirsty eyes to meet Gintoki’s surprised gaze and could only utter a small “oh” when he recognized Gintoki.

The two of them stared at each other, then at the place where the stall had been, and then again at each other. Gintoki wondered what the cop was doing there looking so pissed off. Had the witch sold him bad mayonnaise or what? The Digital Pet beeped again in Gintoki’s hand, and he turned to look at the screen. There the figure still was, complaining about its hunger and need for toilet. Gintoki squinted his eyes, examining the figure more closely. Dark hair, black uniform-like clothing… wait, did it even have a small sword with it? Oh, no, it was just waving a mayo bottle shaped lighter in its tiny hands.

_So you smoke too? But you don’t have any cigarettes? And you want to smoke now? Well I can’t help you with that. Maybe this mayora here can give you…?_

Slowly, Gintoki lifted his gaze from the figure to stunned looking Hijikata, who was now holding in his hand a similar beeping object. Gintoki looked at the figure, and then again at Hijikata. Dark hair? Check. Black uniform? Check. Blue eyes? Check. No cigarette in mouth? Check. Legs shaking and bended, indicating that the person could use a toilet, stomach making rumbling noises, indicating hunger and on top of all that a very, very sullen expression on face.

“Eh?”

“Eh?” was also Hijikata’s reaction when he lifted his gaze from his own beeping object.

“What the _hell_ is going on?” Gintoki jolted the Digital Pet at Hijikata. “Why does this whining weasel looks like you?”

“I could ask you the same thing!” Hijikata said, squeezing his Digital Pet so hard his knuckles turned white.

Gintoki stepped closer to look at Hijikata’s Digital Pet’s screen and there he apparently was, with his big head and wavy-hair and his tiny body dressed in the white kimono. And just like mini Hijikata, this fellow was doing the ‘I need to use a toilet’ dance as well, while carrying in its hands something that resembled a strawberry milk carton. Gintoki flinched. It was him alright. No matter how much he wanted to deny it. He turned his eyes back to Hijikata.

“What have you done to me, crazy cop? Because you couldn’t arrest the real me yesterday, you decided to capture the virtual me!”

“And do what with it, exactly?” Hijikata bared his teeth. “Let you drive me crazy? This whole morning you’ve done nothing but beeped the hell out of me!”

“Right back at you, asshole! Why do I have to take care of the miniature you so that I’m allowed to eat? I was told that this thing would help me to take care of hungriness for good!”

“And I was told that this would make interacts with jerks like you less painful!”

Gintoki was speechless. Small part in him till now had hoped, that in any second someone would tell him that he was in candid camera or something. But no-one hadn’t said anything like that, and he knew Hijikata was way too serious and unimaginative to come up with a prank like this on his own.

“Looks like we both got tricked by that witch,” he scowled at Hijikata.

“Apparently,” Hijikata agreed, taking a time out from the quarrel as well.

“And where’s she now?” Gintoki jerked his thumb at the spot where the stall had been.

“Beats me,” Hijikata said. “But it’s no wonder that she’s vanished. Surely she anticipated that we would come back here complaining.”

“Well we need to find her and… what are you doing?” Gintoki asked, when he noticed how Hijikata kept tapping himself all over his body with his hands like he was dancing along to the head, shoulders, knees and toes song.

“I can’t get my cigarettes out of my pocket.”

“Well could you stop that, it’s disturbing. Anyway, we need to find her.” Gintoki got back to the point. “I’m not going to act like a nanny to the miniature you!”

“But we don’t have much of a choice, now do we?” Hijikata snapped. “With our crossed legs and empty stomachs, we aren’t going to get very far with our searching! You’ve figured it out too, haven’t you?” he continued with a calmer tone, when he noticed Gintoki’s pensive look. “Somehow, we don’t get to decide ourselves anymore when we eat or use a toilet. Our needs are bonded to these little guys,” he looked at his Digital Pet. “And we are calling the shots. For instance, if I let this little imp to use a toilet…”

“I’ll be able to use a toilet as well,” Gintoki said dully.

Gintoki scratched his head, eyeing mini Hijikata on the screen. It seemed to get more miserable every passing second, blue eyes now glistening with tears. The real Hijikata didn’t look any better. His face was making strange twitching movements and he struggled to stand straight with his shaking legs. Gintoki was sure that if he would wait a little longer, he would soon see a tear or two rolling down Hijikata’s face. Unless Gintoki would start crying first, that is. He wouldn’t last long in this condition either. He probably wouldn’t be able to wet himself as long as Hijikata was in charge of his body system, but the feeling of using the toilet was still there, and it was uncomfortable as hell; as if he had a constipation, but only ten times worse. And the fact that Hijikata got to decide when he could use the toilet made the whole thing feel like the start of a very bad joke.

“I guess there’s no helping it then,” Gintoki said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I assume you know how to use this thing?”

“Why would I know how to use this?” Hijikata glared back at Gintoki.

“You’re a police officer, you tell me. Surely you guys have encountered weird objects like these before?”

“You would think so, but surprisingly no, we haven’t.”

“Really? Well there goes my respect for the police.”

“Like you ever had any in the first place!”

“Is this the right time to argue?” Gintoki said, glancing at the area. “We should try to find a toilet first and then figure out how these tools of a devil work.”

“That goes without saying,” Hijikata said, and looked around as well. “How about that?” he soon pointed a small café across the street.

The café looked like it had seen better days, with its worn-out brick wall and dirty windows. But as long as there was a toilet they could use, in Gintoki’s eyes the place was as good as the emperor’s palace. Gintoki nodded, and together they headed towards the café, while maintaining a good distance between each other.

“Lock the door,” Hijikata told Gintoki, after they had entered the café’s restroom and made sure that there was no-one else to witness what they were about to do.

The sound of the door locking echoed in the room, making Gintoki feel uneasy. The witch hadn't been very open about the user instructions of the Digital Pets. Who knew what terrible things the two of them could cause to each other when trying to figure out how they work. To Gintoki, the locked door meant that he would have few seconds less time to save himself, should things get out of hands. And when he noticed the yellow stains on the walls and felt how his feet glued themselves on the sticky floor, Gintoki really hoped that he wouldn’t end up kicking the bucket there.

Hijikata walked next to Gintoki, the blue Digital Pet beeping in his hand.“Let’s get started then,” he said quite confidently, but Gintoki guessed there was a hint of uncertainty behind that stern face of his as well.

He leaned towards Hijikata, their shoulders bumping together.

“You’re too close, asshole,” Hijikata said, pushing Gintoki away with his shoulder.

“Believe me, I’m not enjoying this,” Gintoki replied and pushed as well.

“Then why are you standing so close?”

“I have to see what buttons you’re going to press so that I might have a chance to stop you before you screw this all up.”

“Oh, I’ll screw up? You just take care of your own clumsy fingers,” Hijikata said, and attempted to push Gintoki again with his shoulder. But this time Gintoki managed to avoid it, and Hijikata almost fell flat on his face on the sticky floor.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Gintoki grinned, cheering up a bit. Growling like a dog that had just been outsmarted by a cat, Hijikata returned to stand next to Gintoki. “Okay, let’s see what we've got here,” Gintoki turned his focus back to the Digital Pet.

While trying to ignore crying mini Hijikata on the screen, Gintoki noticed small round icons at the top of the screen. The first icon, that looked like a pair of fork and knife, was rounded by a glowing red circle.

“Probably means food.”

“Can’t be anything else,” Hijikata said, and stole a quick glance at Gintoki’s Digital Pet the same way a student would cheat in an exam.

“Are we going too fast?” Gintoki said. “Just say if you want to go slower. So, the first one was _food_.”

“Shut up! I just wanted to make sure that we have the same icons,” Hijikata snapped, staring at his screen very concentratedly.

“Well look properly then!” Gintoki chided back. “I’m already getting goosebumps from this thing. I don’t need your creepy peeks to make it worse. Okay, the next icon is…ah!” Gintoki gasped in joy. “It’s a toilet!”

Although the icon was dark and blurry because it hadn’t been selected yet, Gintoki could still recognize a white toilet seat next to the food icon. Now all they needed to do was to select it by, no doubt, pressing one of the buttons. Gintoki eyed the three buttons on his Digital Pet. He placed his thumb on a button in the middle. After a few seconds of hesitation, he moved his thumb to a button on the left, then to the right, and soon back to the middle again.

_Oh crap._

“Oh, do tell _teacher_ …” Hijikata’s voice was dripping with sarcasm as he followed Gintoki’s hesitant finger. “…how are we going to select that toilet icon?”

Gintoki knitted his eyebrows. He had anticipated many things to happen while figuring out how to use the Digital Pet, but getting mocked by Hijikata hadn’t certainly been one of them.

“Watch and learn, Hijikata-kun. Logically, there should be two buttons to go left and right and one select button. My guess is, that if we press the button on the right, the red circle will move to the toilet icon.”

“You guess?” Hijikata repeated, looking doubtfully at the three buttons on his Digital Pet.

“Well there’s only way to find out,” Gintoki said and was about to press the button, but then Hijikata grabbed his wrist, causing Gintoki to almost drop his Digital Pet. “Watch it! _Mini_ Hijikata almost became _mush_ Hijikata!”

“Don’t call it mini Hijikata! You’re seriously going to press the buttons randomly?”

“Not randomly, didn’t you listen?” Gintoki flicked Hijikata on the forehead. “If we follow my logic…”

“There’s no logic! We’re relying on pure luck here!” Hijikata flicked back. “Sure, the three buttons might work as you say, but you can’t be sure of that! For all we know, one of these buttons could grow us a pair of cat ears or something!”

A vivid picture of Hijikata with cat ears crossed Gintoki’s mind. Considering how Hijikata was acting like a scaredy-cat right now, pointy ears would have fitted him perfectly.

“Well how else do you think we’re going to progress?” Gintoki said. “Instruction for these things to just magically appear here seems very unlikely.”

Hijikata eyes roamed around the room, clearly trying to come up with a better plan than what they had now.

“See? You’ve got nothing. Let’s just go with an intuition,” Gintoki said, and with a slightly shaking finger, he approached the button again.

“Wait!” Hijikata shouted, as if Gintoki was about to destroy the whole world with his press of the button. “Fine,” he muttered. “I’ll press the same button as well.”

Gintoki was tempted to tease Hijikata with a witty replay, but he concluded that enough time had been wasted already. He was sure that his lower half of the body would soon rip and fall off from the pressure he was feeling down there.

“Okay, ready?” Gintoki said, and carefully placed his finger on the button. “1,2,3!” Gintoki squeezed his eyes shut and anxiously waited the results.

Seconds passed, but he didn’t feel or hear anything abnormal. He couldn’t hear Hijikata reacting in any way either. Unless something had happened to the mayora and he couldn’t speak anymore. Maybe he wasn’t even alive anymore. But then that would mean that Gintoki wasn’t alive either! He opened his eyes, and sighed in relief when he saw familiar walls with yellow stains on them, and beside him stood Hijikata very much alive with his eyes closed.

“It’s safe to look again,” Gintoki said.

Hijikata opened his eyes and immediately started to rub them with his hands as if they were on fire. “Something just got into my eyes…,” he mumbled.

Gintoki smiled to himself and looked at his Digital Pet. It had worked. The red glowing circle was now rounding the toilet icon. “You better rub that fear from your eyes so that you’ll see where to aim,” Gintoki said and pressed the button to activate the icon.

“Who are you calling scared?” Hijikata stopped the rubbing and gave Gintoki a furious look with his redden eyes. “You had your eyes so closed that you looked like Brock from Pokémon!”

Gintoki teared his gaze from the screen. “Were you peeking again? You’re like Misty, always interfering in others’ business. I was just resting my eyes for a bit. Staring at this little screen is very tiring. And mini you in it makes my eyes hurt even more.”

“Misty only interferes when creeps like you try to harass nurse Joys or officer Jennies. If you want to rest your eyes, I can close them for good.”

“Bring it on! Even with my eyes closed I would figure out how to use this Di*k Pet before you. And If I had Detective Pikachu with me instead of useless you, I would figure this out ten times faster!”

“Detective Pikachu is just a lousy-“

Suddenly Hijikata’s eyes went wide, sweat trickling down his face as his already bended legs bended more. Before Gintoki could even question this odd behavior, Hijikata stormed into one of the toilet stalls, slamming the door behind him. The Digital Pet beeped and Gintoki turned to look at it. There was now a green circle rounding the toilet icon and mini Hijikata had stopped crying. Now it looked quite relieved, while sitting on the toilet seat with its pants lowered down to its ankles. Gintoki turned his face away from the screen, sticking his tongue out in disgust. There was no need for him to see something grotesque like that. But didn’t this mean his theory had worked? If so...

“Oi! Mayora!” Gintoki banged on the toilet’s door with his fists. “Let me use the toilet as well!”

“There’re five vacant left!” came a yell behind the door. “Take your pick!”

“You have to give me a _permission_ first, remember?” Gintoki said. “Like I gave to you. Or did you flush down your brains already?”

“Huh? So you activated the icon but didn’t care to inform me about it in _advance_?”

“Yeah, you’re welcome. Now you have to do the same.”

Rustling noises and quiet cursing came from within the toilet stall. Gintoki tapped his foot impatiently with his arms folded, wondering if he had forgotten something crucial. And then it occurred to him.

“Oi. You better have clean hands when you touch that thing,” he said to Hijikata, leaning back against the door.

“Shut up!”

“I’m serious. If you touch the virtual me with your filthy fingers, I’ll use the virtual you to wipe my ass.”

“Do that and I’ll shove the virtual you into your ass!” Hijikata said, but then his feisty voice toned down, sounding a bit embarrassed now. “Which button do I have to press?”

“The button on the right,” Gintoki replied, and went inside a toilet stall next to Hijikata’s to get himself ready.

It didn’t take long, until Hijikata said in dead tone: “There. You have my _permission_.”

Gintoki gave a loud sigh of relief when he could finally release the pressure he had felt in his body for hours. He heard a sound of flushing from Hijikata’s toilet stall, and after that a creaking noise of the door opening. Short after, Gintoki joined Hijikata to the sinks to wash his hands.

“We'd better find that witch fast and make her undo this curse,” Gintoki said, as he opened a rusty water tap from its knob and let the lukewarm water ran through his hands.

“Probably easier said than done. She could be anywhere by now,” Hijikata noted grimly, gazing at Gintoki’s dead eyes through a mirror that was hanging above the sinks.

“It won’t be, if you call your Shinsegumi buddies to help with the searching,” Gintoki suggested, although he thought this to be more like stating an obvious.

Hijikata’s hands jerked under the running water, causing some of it to splash at Gintoki. “There’s no way we’re going to tell them. No-one besides us needs to know anything about this!”

Gintoki stared at Hijikata’s reflection eyes wide, not believing his ears. If they wouldn’t get some help pronto, this _pet game_ of theirs could end up lasting for ages. And considering how intimate and for lack of better word, _needy_ their relationship currently was, it felt unreal that a proud guy like Hijikata would willingly prolong it.

“Are you lonely, Hijikata-kun? Is the little Gin-chan the friend you’ve always wanted?”

Hijikata gave a dirty look. “It’s more like an insufferable reminder of your existence.”

“Then what’s the hold up? Make the call!” Gintoki said, as he closed the water tap.

“I won’t tell them and neither will you and that’s final!” Hijikata said, and turned off the water as well. He rested his hands on the sides of the sink, staring at his own frowning reflection in the mirror. “There’s this drug organization we’ve been following for months. According to our sources, they will soon smuggle drugs out of Edo. Everyone needs to be at their sharpest if we wish to catch those scumbags,” he said, and turned to look at Gintoki. “If we distract their thoughts now with the witch hunt, months of work will go down the drain.”

Gintoki pinched the bridge of his nose. Well wasn’t that a convenient excuse. Hijikata was clearly just trying to protect himself from humiliation, should they tell anyone else about the Digital Pets. If they had more people helping with the search of the witch, they could end this all quicker and Hijikata himself could focus on the mission better.

“So you’re saying that this thing won’t sabotage your mission?” Gintoki summarized his thoughts, nodding at the Digital Pet that hanged from his belt.

“I’ll feed you and let you use a toilet before the mission, so that _you_ won’t sabotage it,” Hijikata assured.

Gintoki rolled his eyes. But on second thoughts, he didn’t need Shinsengumi’s help when he had Kagura and Shinpachi. Gintoki would tell them about this and the trio would hunt down that witch in no time. And as a bonus, he could charge Hijikata for the job.

“Talking about drugs,” Hijikata then said, “I confiscated that witch’s mushrooms yesterday because I suspected them to be for drug use, and turns out they were indeed drugs,” he said, sneering. “Damn, I should have kept her in handcuffs,” he rubbed his forehead, until he noticed Gintoki's fiery eyes staring at him in the mirror.

“Care to repeat?” Gintoki kept his voice nonchalant, despite his gaze being so fierce that he could’ve cracked the mirror with it.

“Are you asleep?” Hijikata narrowed his eyes. “The mushrooms that the witch sold were tested to be positive- “

The mirror finally cracked, though Gintoki’s gaze wasn’t the cause of it. Instead it was Hijikata, as his head was smashed against the mirror by Gintoki, causing Hijikata’s head to bleed like the Niagara Falls.

“Screw the mushrooms! You had that treacherous turtle in handcuffs and you _let her go_? We wouldn’t have this problem on our hands if for once you had done your job right and arrested someone who deserves it, instead of chasing after me with ridiculous charges!”

It all happened in the matter of seconds, but Gintoki soon found himself being crashed into the mirror as well, making it shatter completely.

“Like you’re any better!” Hijikata yelled, when it was his turn to watch how Gintoki’s head bled like the Victoria Falls. “Do you think with your stomach? ‘Help you to get rid of hungriness for good’ my ass. If you would think with those tiny brains of yours for a change, we wouldn’t be in this trouble!”

“Don’t give me that crap! It’s all because of you and your incompetence as a police officer!”

“No, it’s because of your greediness! And what’s with those animal related insults you’ve been yelling around the whole morning?”

In the middle of their heated conversation, the locked door of the restroom opened and a young slim man with spiky hair stood on the doorway, holding a key in his hand. Looking like a fish struggling to breath on a dry land, the man stared at the two bloody men and the broken mirror, a long line of frustrated looking men with their legs crossed standing behind him. An awkward silence filled the room, and the only sound anyone could hear was the drops of blood falling on the floor.

Hijikata cleared his throat and under the judging eyes he walked towards the door with an exaggerated posture. “There’s some toilet trolls here that smash your head into the mirror. Be careful,” he said, and passed the men on the doorway without batting an eye.

Gintoki followed after him. “Yeah, toilet trolls. And they were riding with giant toilet toads that croak so loudly that they will make your head bleed,” he added, and gave a friendly pat on the young man’s shoulder. “Keep up the good work…,” Gintoki peered at the man’s nameplate on his shirt.

“Ueda,” the man uttered.

“Ueda-kun,” Gintoki repeated, nodding approvingly. “Good name.”

Then he glanced at the men who had moved closer to the doorway, covering it completely. “Excuse me gents, coming through,” Gintoki gestured them to move.

Reluctantly the men stepped aside, growling like a pack of tigers, when Gintoki walked through them holding his bleeding head high.

“T-thank you! Come again!” Ueda called after him.

Gintoki stepped out of the café, covering his eyes from the bright sunlight with his hand, until his vison went black. Something warm and soft had been thrown at his face.

“The café staff gave these to us,” Hijikata stood a few feet away, wiping his own bloody forehead with a towel. “And in exchange we won’t come near this place ever again,” he said, looking indignant, as if it was unheard of for him to get banned from a cafe, or from any place in that matter.

Gintoki wiped his forehead as well, but the bleeding wasn’t showing any signs of stopping. He figured it was better to wrap the towel around the head.

“I’m not taking a single step with you if have that on your head,” Hijikata glared at Gintoki’s turban.

“Are we going somewhere together then?”

“We should take care of our food problem and then go search for that witch.”

Gintoki snorted. “You can go by yourself. I’m heading home.”

“You can’t go home now!” Hijikata whipped the towel against his leg. “We need to figure out how to activate the food icon!”

Gintoki sighed. “Do I have to hold your hand all the time with this thing?” he said, and took the Digital Pet from his belt. “Obviously, the button on the left moves left…” he pressed the button.

“Oi!”

“…and the food icon is selected.”

“Stop pressing the buttons so carelessly!”

“And then you press the button in the middle to activate it. There, go nuts with your mayo,” Gintoki said, when a mayonnaise bottle appeared in mini Hijikata’s hands, a wide grin spreading over its face.

But the real Hijikata was far from done with his arguing. “What about that witch? You were the one who said we should find her as soon as possible!”

“That’s what I’m going to do,” Gintoki begun to walk away. “I ran so fast that I might have missed her on my way here. Better to double check the route from here to my home. Oh, and remember to activate the food icon in your Di*k Pet as well or I’ll kick your ass.”

“Oi! Get back here you…!”

Hijikata’s stomach rumbled loudly, putting finally an end to his nagging. Gintoki smirked as he walked. Hijikata would have to let him go this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	3. Too many hunters spoil the hunt

Finding the witch turned out to be far more challenging than Gintoki had thought it would be. With the help of Shinpachi, Kagura and Sadaharu, he searched every potential hideout he could think of. There was no building so run-down that he wouldn’t enter nor alley so shady that he wouldn’t walk through. No one was safe from the hunter trio and their loyal bloodhound’s close examinations as they looked for the witch, for every person was a suspect in Gintoki’s eyes. After all, it was more than possible that the witch could transform herself into something else, and so Gintoki didn’t hesitate to attack whenever he saw a potential target. Although grannies were still the main prey, young ladies were also placed high on Gintoki’s list of suspects, because nothing was more suspicious than a young woman alone in a dark alley. Unfortunately for Gintoki, one of the ladies he had attacked had turned out to be Otae, and she had made sure with her fists that Gintoki wouldn’t mistake her for a witch ever again. All the trash cans were investigated too, but besides smelling trashes and one stalker Gorilla (who got recycled to the very bottom of the trash can by Shinpachi) they had found nothing.

Gintoki had then decided to change his tactic, and he led his hunter team to a park where people gathered to enjoy the sunny weather. It was possible, Gintoki figured, that the witch tried to outsmart him by hiding in the open space area like the park, because that would be the last place he would expect to find her. But there he was now; sitting on a bench under a tree, gazing at the verdant scenery, or as he had put it, ‘stopped for a moment to brainstorm their next move’, while Shinpachi and Kagura with Sadaharu ran around the park. Shinpachi had pointed out though, that the brainstorming usually required more than one person, to which Gintoki had replied that he had plenty of ideas to hold a solo brainstorming. Other people’s ideas would just create unnecessary confusion in his head.

“Gin-chan! I found the witch!” Kagura came running, dragging an old lady with her and Sadaharu following right behind them.

Gintoki’s corner of mouth quirked up as he watched her approaching. It was evident, that Kagura’s strategy of finding the witch was based on quantity over quality, seeing as this was already a fifth ‘witch’ she was bringing to him within 20 minutes.

“Ah, good catch Kagura, but not the one I’m looking for I’m afraid,” Gintoki said, when Kagura held a granny in front of him. The granny’s white hair was all over her face and her grey-blue eyes had a glazed look.

“Are you sure?” Kagura asked, tilting her head. “Look, she even has a black cat,” she pointed at the petrified cat that was hanging on the granny’s cardigan with its claws. “And the witches always have a black cat with them,” she reasoned.

Gintoki shook his head and poked the granny gently on the shoulder with his finger, just to make sure that she was still alive. “But my witch doesn’t have a cat.”

A line formed between Kagura’s eyebrows.“What kind of witch is that?”

“A catless witch,” Gintoki replied. “Now return this poor granny to the same place where you found her from and bring me the real witch,” he gave a dismissive wave with his hand.

“You’re such a nitpicker,” Kagura whined and left with the granny and the cat.

Gintoki leaned back on the bench and rested his hands behind his head, letting out a deep sigh. They had searched for hours already with no pay off. They had asked around, hoping that they would meet someone that knew something about the witch’s sudden disappearance, but there was no such luck. And unlike Gintoki, people were over the moon when they learned that the witch was finally gone.

“If you want to find her so badly, why not help with the searching then?”

Turning his head, Gintoki saw Shinpachi approaching the bench. Unlike Kagura, he didn’t show up with a random granny every five minutes, but in all honesty, Gintoki would rather have met hundreds of grannies brought to him by Shinpachi instead of constantly receiving suspicious stares from him. Whereas Kagura seemed to consider the witch hunt merely as a way to kill time, Shinpachi on the other hand had made it quite obvious with his silent glares that he wanted to get to the bottom of this hunt sooner or later.

“I was just about to,” Gintoki said, straightening his posture on the bench. “I think we should check the convenience stores next. Who knows, she might have disguised herself as one of those grannies who cut in lines.”

Shinpachi gave a short laugh that held no amusement. He placed his hands on his hips and looked at Gintoki like a concerned parent at his troubled child. “There’s something you’re not telling us.”

“Well that’s not true,” Gintoki said at once, picking his nose with his pinky. “I’ve told you everything. We need to find the witch who stole 300 yen from me in an unfair card game.”

Shinpachi raised his eyebrows. “Why would you go all this trouble for 300 yen?”

“Fine. It was 600 yen.”

“600 yen?”

“Okay! It was 1000 yen and a half-full strawberry milk carton!”

Shinpachi rolled his eyes. “But this morning you acted like you had a nervous breakdown or something. And then you disappeared for many hours until you finally came back with multiple parfaits and strawberry milk cartons with you and a towel wrapped around your head.”

Gintoki grimaced as the events of the morning flashed before his eyes. To be fair, he couldn’t blame Shinpachi for wanting an explanation to his earlier behavior. When Gintoki had gotten home, he was ready to tell the kids the whole story, but then words stuck to his throat and he ended up making a teeny-tiny change to the truth. But in his defense, how was he supposed to tell Shinpachi and Kagura the real truth when Gintoki himself knew so little about the thing that caused him to act so strangely.

“Yeah, it was a rough morning,” Gintoki said after a moment, his gaze wandering around the park. “Sorry about that. It won’t happen again. No, she’s not the one either,” he said to Kagura, who had brought yet another granny to him.

After Kagura had dragged away the granny, who had clearly tried to form the word ‘help’ with her dry lips, Shinpachi stepped closer to Gintoki, the look in his eyes sharpening.

“But what I really want to talk about is-“

_Beep, beep!_

“…that.”

Gintoki stiffened on the bench when he heard the painfully familiar beeping again. He fingernails drilled into the bench and he prayed, that the little pest inside his kimono wouldn’t let out another beep.

“At first, I thought my ears had just deceived me,” Shinpachi continued, his piercing gaze nailing Gintoki to the bench. “But now I’m sure the sound is real and it’s coming from you.”

“Oh, that?” Gintoki said, trying to keep his tone as light as possible. He could practically hear his brain cells inside his head colliding into each other in chaos and panic when trying to come up with a believable excuse. “It was just my… pacemaker,” he finally said, though his voice lacked confidence.

“Your pacemaker?”

“Yeah,” Gintoki nodded, relived when Shinpachi’s sharp look softened a bit. “After that nervous breakdown of mine, my heart kept beating so fast that I visited the hospital and there they implanted a pacemaker in me. And after the procedure they wrapped a towel around my head to stop the small bleeding that I still had.”

“Why would your _head_ bleed from that procedure?” Shinpachi raised his voice. “Where did they put that pacemaker exactly?”

“Does it really matter? The point is, I can live normal life like anyone else,” Gintoki took Shinpachi’s hand into his own, gazing at him gently. “I’m still the same Gin-san.”

“Like hell you are!” Shinpachi yanked his hand away. Anger colored his voice, but his eyes behind his glasses were wary. “Enough! You’ll tell me right now what that-“

_Beep, beep!_

“… _that_ is!”

“Look, Shinpachi…”

“Gin-chan! I finally found her! She’s the witch!”

Gintoki was saved the trouble of answering Shinpachi, when Kagura and Sadaharu showed up with another witch candidate. Gintoki leaned forward on the bench, drumming his fingers against his thighs as Kagura got closer and closer. Somehow, he had a good feeling about this one.

“Here Gin-chan! I did it,” Kagura grinned jubilantly when she brought her witch to Gintoki.

A small smile that had made its way to Gintoki’s lips quickly fell off when he stared at the person next to Kagura. Apparently, he had counted his chickens before the eggs had hatched. “Oi Kagura, are you even focusing anymore?”

“What do you mean, Gin-chan?” Kagura asked, shaking her catch by the shoulders. “This is the witch you’ve been looking for, right?”

“That’s not the witch,” Gintoki said dully. “Not even a granny. That’s an _old man_.”

Kagura looked at the man, whose saggy face gave him a bulldog-like features. “Are you sure?” she asked. “Maybe she’s just a bald granny?”

“I recognize an old man when I see one. Where do you keep finding these random elderlies anyway?” Gintoki glanced around, until he found his answer.

Not too far away from them, there was some kind of old folks’ workout session going on. At least 20 grannies and old men waved their hands in a circle, and in the middle of that circle there was an annoyingly lively woman shouting instructions with her high voice. Kagura had found a real cornucopia of elderlies it seemed. But how blind was that instructor lady that she hadn’t noticed how Kagura dragged the old folks back and forth like a boomerang. Her victims stood in the circle like zombies after their quick fly trip.

_Wake up lady!_

Kagura curled her lip. “How can you be so sure that she’s not the witch? Didn’t you say that the witch can change her looks?” she pulled the old man’s saggy cheek as if it was a rubber mask.

“I’m telling you, it’s _he_ ,” Gintoki said, and wondered why the old man’s eyes seemed to sparkle with joy when his face was being pulled like that. “And no matter how well she is disguised, I’ll be able to recognize the witch when I see her. I have a special kind of instinct for that,” he tapped his temple with his finger.

“Well then you can use your instinct on that guy as well that’s striding here,” Kagura pointed at a man approaching them.

“Huh? It’s Hijikata-san, isn’t it?” Shinpachi noticed.

Gintoki’s face fell. The mayora was the last person he wanted to see right now.

_Beep, beep!_

And that was the last sound he wanted to hear right now. Shinpachi turned his gaze from approaching Hijikata to Gintoki quicker than a hound smelling a rabbit.

Hijikata walked over to the trio, and Gintoki could tell from his fierce eyes, clenched jaw and tightly pursed lips that he hadn’t just come to say hi. His face was oddly pale and his pupils didn’t seem to stay still even for a nanosecond. As if he was trying to see many things at the same time.

“What does your instinct say, Gin-chan? If he’s the witch, can I tear off that ugly disguise of his?” Kagura asked, already pulling Hijikata from the hem of his uniform jacket.

Hijikata gazed down at Kagura with twitching lips, as if trying to decide to which of her insults should he lash out at first.

Gintoki stood up from the bench, stretching his back. “Even if he’s not the witch, you can still make him look more pleasing to the eye.”

“Yuck!” Kagura pulled her hand away. “His clothes reek of mayonnaise and now my hand smells the same!” She scanned Hijikata from head to toe and then said, “I guess I’ll have to use this to get him out of his mayo skin,” she started to poke Hijikata with her purple umbrella.

"Cut it out!” Hijikata snapped. “Poke me like that and my body will soon have more holes than Swiss cheese!”

“You already smell worse than cheese so what’s the big deal?” Kagura retorted and turned to Gintoki. “Gin-chan, this isn’t working. The witch’s smell just keeps getting worse.”

“You did your best Kagura. There are many evil forces in this world and mayonnaise just happens to be one of those forces that are hard to get rid of,” Gintoki said, patting Kagura on the head. “But we won’t give up! As long as we stay together, nothing is impossible!”

“All right, Gin-chan! With our combined poking power, we can defeat the mayo!”

“That’s not poking!” Hijikata yelled to Kagura between his grunts of pain when her poking started to resemble sword swinging. “And what do you think you’re doing with _him_?” he pointed at Gintoki, who was about to slam him with the saggy-faced old man, holding him like a battering ram.

Gintoki shrugged, placing the old man back on the ground. “Tough problems require tough measures.”

“Enough!” Hijikata unsheathed his sword and blocked Kagura’s strike with it before her umbrella could reach his head and split his skull open. “You just couldn’t keep this to yourself, now could you? You had to tell these brats as well!” he pointed at Gintoki with his sword, which trembled slightly in his unsteady hand.

Astonished, Shinpachi turned to look at Hijikata. “What do you mean, Hijikata-san? What Gin-san has told us?”

“Hijikata-kun means that he came here to look for his long-lost grandfather!” Gintoki shoved the bulldog-looking old man against Hijikata. “And thanks to Kagura, he has finally found him!”

“I don’t think that’s what he meant,” Shinpachi said, the suspicious glint from before returning to his eyes. “And it’s clear as day that this man isn’t Hijikata-san’s grandfather,” he pointed at the old man who, strangely enough, seemed to enjoy Hijikata’s closeness. He even wrapped his arms around Hijikata, who couldn’t have looked sulkier.

“Of course he is,” Gintoki insisted and pulled Hijikata from his cheeks. “See? Like two bulldogs.”

“And they are both balds too,” Kagura joined in and yanked a tuft of hair from Hijikata’s head which made him yelp.

“Are you out of your _minds_?”

Shinpachi pushed Kagura and Gintoki away and looked at Hijikata pleadingly. “Please, Hijikata-san, tell me what’s going on?”

Hijikata rubbed his head, meeting Shinpachi’s gaze. His deep frown eased, and the anger that had flared in his eyes, dimmed.

“Not now, Shinpachi,” Gintoki grabbed Shinpachi by the shoulders and moved him aside when Hijikata parted his lips. “This guy needs to pay our reward for finding his grandfather,” he rubbed his thumb and forefinger together.

Hijikata scoffed and sheathed his sword, the deep frown returning to his face. “Pay you? I’ve never seen this old man in my life,” he said, releasing himself from the old man’s hug.

“Well then pay us for finding you an old man that you can treat as your grandfather from now on, I don’t care.”

“Yeah, pay up witch mayora,” Kagura jabbed Hijikata’s foot with her umbrella.

Hijikata let out another yelp. “Fine! Here, take the damn money!” he cried out, and emptied the content of his wallet while balancing on one leg.

Kagura squatted down to pick up the coins and the bills from the ground. “Is this all? After all the hard work we did, Gin-chan.”

“It’s how this world works, Kagura. There are people who always try to get out of paying,” Gintoki hung his head low, covering his eyes with his hand. “Those people… are nothing but thieves.”

“You just committed a violent robbery!” Hijikata yelled, casting a wary glance at Kagura and her umbrella before returning his injured foot to the ground. “I should arrest both of you, dammit!”

“Come, Sadaharu!” Kagura called for the giant dog, that was resting in the shade of a tree. “We should be able to buy _some_ pickled seaweed and dog food with these,” she said, giving Hijikata a disapproving glare, before leaving with Sadaharu.

“Oi! If you’re going to waste my money, at least buy mayonnaise with it!” Hijikata called after her.

Gintoki glanced at Hijikata sideways. “She said dog food, didn’t she? You’d better go after her,” he then turned to Shinpachi. “Make sure she buys something else besides seaweed and dog food.”

But Shinpachi wasn’t showing any attempt to move. He stood with a wide stance, his hands balled into fists, while staring at Gintoki intensely. “First you’ll tell me what’s going on.”

_Beep, beep!_

“And what Hijikata-san has to do with this?” he turned to look at Hijikata, who shifted uneasily when his Digital Pet announced its presence.

“Return this old man to his home or wherever and leave, kid,” Hijikata said, pushing the man gently towards Shinpachi.

Shinpachi bit his lip, the frustration on his face evident. “No. I want to know…”

“If the mayonnaise is on sale. Now go,” Hijikata said, and his unfocused eyes turned cold, causing Shinpachi to avert his gaze. If just moments earlier Hijikata had looked like he would spill the beans to Shinpachi, now it seemed that he would rather die than say a word about the Digital Pets.

“Oi, oi,” Gintoki stepped between Hijikata and Shinpachi. “First you send your new grandfather away and now you snap at my friend,” he said to Hijikata, and gave a snort. “You sure are a cold-hearted guy.”

Hijikata didn’t answer, but the cold look remained in his eyes as he bored his gaze into Gintoki. Granted, Gintoki didn’t want to tell the truth to Shinpachi, at least not yet, but seeing as how much discomfort all this secrecy was causing to the boy already, Gintoki didn’t want him to feel even more hurt because of some inconsiderate words Hijikata might blurt out in his cranky mood.

It was Shinpachi, who eventually broke the tensed atmosphere. “It’s fine, Gin-san,” he said with a sad smile, and took a hold of the old man’s hand. “Just try not to get in trouble, whatever it is that you two are hiding.”

Just when they were about to leave, the old man turned around to look at Hijikata and Gintoki, his saggy face widening into a big grin. “Thank you all of you, for saving me from that terrible workout session,” he said with a wheezy voice. “And thank also that little lady for me for the face massage. It was really refreshing,” he said laughing and left with Shinpachi.

“Glad to help,” Gintoki gave the thumbs up. “What a nice grandfather you have,” he said to Hijikata, smiling genuinely. “But seriously, what’s wrong with you? Why do you look like that?”

Hijikata’s head was twitching so wildly, that his neck could’ve been replaced with a spring and it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. “See something wrong with this image?” he asked with a shaky voice, the pupils in his eyes wiggling like a couple of pinballs.

“You mean what’s wrong with you? Well, for starters that mayo odor that reeks miles away,” Gintoki pinched his nose. “I mean really, did you take a bath in that stuff?”

A low, tiger-like growling came from deep within Hijikata’s throat, but Gintoki went on. “And then those V-shaped bangs of yours. But are you going after some specific answer here? If so, you’ll have to give me more clues. Otherwise this will take forever.”

“I’m not smoking!”

“Oh.” Gintoki raised his eyebrows. He had been so distracted by Hijikata’s shaky appearance that he hadn’t noticed that there was nothing sticking out between his teeth. “So you’ve quitted it?”

“I haven’t quitted!” Hijikata said, his eyes so wide and wild, that Gintoki was sure they would soon bug out of his head. “I _can’t_ smoke because you haven’t given me a _permission_ to do so!” he plucked the Digital Pet out from his jacket’s pocket.

“Ah, so that’s why you’ve been beeping,” Gintoki took out his own Digital Pet and glanced at sitting mini Hijikata on the screen, a mayo bottle shaped lighter shaking in its trembling hands. It had the same, unfocused gaze in its eyes like real Hijikata had. Gintoki let out a low whistle. “No wonder you look like a wreck.”

“You haven’t _checked it_?” Hijikata cried out. “I came here, because I thought you have problems with it or _worse_ , you have broken it!”

“Yeah, how did you find here exactly?” Gintoki asked. As far as he knew, the Digital Pets didn’t have a GPS in them.

“Let’s call it an instinct,” Hijikata muttered. “But this is unbelievable. You were able to drink that disgusting strawberry milk of yours earlier because, unlike you, I actually checked what the hell you were beeping at and released you from your misery.”

“I’ve been busy with the witch hunt,” Gintoki said frowning, Hijikata’s accusing attitude starting to irritate him. So Hijikata hadn’t been able to smoke for a couple of hours, big deal. It wasn’t like he was going to die from it, although Hijikata’s current state made Gintoki wonder if the Digital Pet caused Hijikata to crave cigarettes more often than usual. If that was the case, did it also increase appetite and the need to use the toilet more often? It had only been few hours since Gintoki had eaten his parfaits, but his stomach was already making growling noises again.

“Where have you been then?” he asked from Hijikata. “Meditating before that drug operation or something?

Hijikata hushed sharply. “Don’t shout it like that!”

“What? The meditation or the drug op-“

Hijikata slapped his hand over Gintoki’s mouth, glaring at him dangerously. “You know _which one_ I’m talking about.”

Gintoki swatted Hijikata away. “All right, all right. You’re so hush hush about everything anyway. Take this Di*k Pet for example.”

“Well you weren’t too keen to show it to your kids either,” Hijikata argued. “Or how else do you explain those over the top actions of yours trying to lead the conversation away from it?” he raked his fingers through his hair. His head was probably still smarting from the yanked off hair tuft.

“I could tell them,” Gintoki said evasively, but when Hijikata gave him a suspicious look, he hastened to add, “I’m just protecting your ass that gets so easily embarrassed. But let’s not waste more time in that matter. Here, have a smoke.”

Gintoki selected from his Digital Pet an icon that had a picture of a cigarette in it, located right next to the toilet icon. Mini Hijikata’s eyes immediately brightened when a cigarette appeared in its tiny hands. It lit the cigarette with its lighter and after that enjoyed the smoking like a baby sucking a pacifier. Real Hijikata gave a sigh of pleasure when he placed a cigarette between his lips. He closed his eyes and his head stopped twitching. Gintoki silently let Hijikata savor this moment. His corner of mouth twitched a couple of times, when he imagined what kind of nicotine fantasies Hijikata was living right now inside his nicotine filled head.

When Hijikata opened his eyes again, he looked reborn; color had returned to his face and his eyes were filled with focus again. “So then,” he said calmly, “You haven’t been able to find any clues about that witch’s whereabouts?”

It took a moment for Gintoki to reply, so surprised he was from Hijikata’s sudden change of state and attitude. “It’s like she has disappeared into a thin air,” he finally said.

Nodding, Hijikata stared into nothingness. His eyebrows then raised slightly, as though an idea had just popped into his head, and he lifted his gaze to the sky and the puffy clouds.

Gintoki huffed in amusement. “Yeah, just hold on a second. I’ll just get my broom and then we are ready to go.”

Hijikata gave him a grumpy look. “Stupid. I just happened to look up. I doubt than she’s even a real witch. Just some crazy granny with mushrooms.”

“Oh really, what’s this then? A mushroom tracker?” Gintoki mocked, and throw the Digital Pet up in the air.

“She might have gotten these from a real witch or someone similar,” Hijikata replied, following closely Gintoki’s Digital Pet in the air with his gaze. “That’s why I think we should go to the library.”

Gintoki caught the Digital Pet in mid-air, furrowing his brows. “Library?”

Hijikata nodded. “There we might find some information about these things,” he reasoned, fiddling with his Digital Pet. “It’s worth a shot.”

Just a thought of reading something that wasn’t Jump made Gintoki’s shoulders slump. And knowing Hijikata, he wouldn’t let Gintoki rest until they had gone through every possible book the library had to offer.

“To the library then,” he gave a bored sigh. “But before that…”

_Beep, beep!_

“I need food.”

_How to make your own amulet?_

_Curses and other black magic._

_Never got the acceptance letter from Hogwarts? A shortcut to the wizarding world._

Hijikata had been positively surprised when a librarian lady told him that they had a whole bookshelf about witchcraft. His hopeful and even a bit eager feeling however, had soon vanished quicker than Harry Potter under his invisibility cloak, when he had taken a closer look at the books on the shelf. Even the ones that had somewhat promising names, _Curses and other black magic_ for instance, turned out to be nothing but a pile of wasted paper and ink. _You should never judge the book by its cover_ , a little voice kept parroting in Hijikata’s head when his eyes roamed over the book titles, each one worse than the last. A musty smell in the air made him sniffle. For a library, the building sure didn’t offer the best environment for people to enjoy their reading in there. A crystal chandelier that resembled a giant golden waterfall, hung from the ceiling at the center of the library. But the light that it gave was dim, leaving many parts of the library in the shadows. Luckily, Hijikata had managed to find from the second floor a table that was close to the chandelier’s light.

Soft steps on the burgundy carpeting sounded occasionally from afar. The witchcraft shelf’s distance to the other shelves was ridiculously long. The other shelves were in nice rows with good gaps between them, but the shelf that Hijikata was facing at left him space little to none between the books and the cold wall that his back inevitably kept hitting. Hijikata assumed that it was either the shame or fear towards the particular books that had led to this strange arrangement. He couldn’t come up with any other reason.

After a long consideration, Hijikata took randomly with him as many books as he could carry. The heavier the book pile in his hands would be, the better. He squeezed out from the narrow gap and carried the books towards a round wooden table. There, on a chair, sat snoring Gintoki, resting his head on his hand and an open book lying before him on the table. Standing right behind him, Hijikata raised the book pile in his hands and with satisfaction written all over his face, he let the books fall on Gintoki’s head. A banging noise echoed loudly in the building when the heavy books dropped on the table, and it was immediately followed by just as loud ‘Oi!’

“What gives, crazy cop?” Gintoki jumped from his chair and grabbed Hijikata from his uniform’s collar. A strident hushing of the librarians made him pipe down, though, and the disapproving glares forced him to sit down back on his chair.

Hijikata struggled to keep his voice in low decibels. “I’m doing all the work here if you haven’t noticed.”

“And crushing my head will help you how, exactly?” Gintoki gave a dirty look. “Apparently it doesn’t require much to be called ‘the brains of the Shinsengumi’”, he said as he cleared the table from the fallen books, and the added, “It may have escaped your notice, but I was reading here.”

Hijikata clicked his tongue. “So you really think…” he flipped over Gintoki’s book, revealing its colorful cover with wands and white rabbits on it. “… that learning how to pull a rabbit out of a hat will somehow help us?”

“No, I had something more useful in my mind," Gintoki said, riffling the book’s pages. "You know, how to make people _disappear_ for example.” 

Hijikata restrained his urge to hit Yorozuya with the books again and instead sat down across him to examine them. _Witchcraft through the centuries_ , he read the title of a black colored book before opening it. He took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for another load of mumbo jumbo.

Coughing and whispering emanated from the back of the room. Hijikata covered his ears with his hands. The book was just as irritating and absurd as he had expected it to be (according to chapter 2, every third person had a witch gene) and it required all his willpower to continue reading it. And because the reading was already so unbearable as it was, even the smallest distractions made him see red. Sound of steps on stone stairs echoed when people walked up and down between the floors in a spiral staircase. Looking daggers at them from his table, Hijikata opened his mouth, ready to tell everyone to shut the hell up, when Gintoki poked him on the shoulder.

“Could you keep it down?” he said with a fed up look on his face. “Your huffing and puffing and tapping foot makes it really hard for me to concentrate.”

“Concentrate on _what_?” Hijikata said, the last word coming out louder than he had intended. “You’re reading about magic tricks.”

“Do I need to spell it out to you?” Gintoki slammed his book close. “How do you think the Digital Pets are working? With _magic_ , obviously,” he tapped the cover of his book with his finger. “I would say that I’m much closer to find the answer from this than you’re from that book of hogwash,” he looked down his nose at Hijikata’s book.

“Your book has nothing but lousy tricks to perform at kids’ birthday parties,” Hijikata said, and turned his focus back to his book. “There’s a difference between illusion and real magic, and at least my book is about witchcraft.”

In reality, though, Hijikata hadn’t changed his opinion about his book. It was a bad fantasy novel to say the least. For all he cared, the author could choke on his own writings. But there was no way he would let Yorozuya think even for a second that his book was better. Hijikata would defend this book he despised till the end.

From the corner of his eye, Hijikata saw Gintoki crossing his legs on the table. “What do you have against magic tricks?” Gintoki asked. “Never got a chance to see them in birthday parties when you were a kid?”

“Idiot,” Hijikata said, remaining his gaze in the book. “Why would anyone invite a magician to a birthday party?”

“Because then it wouldn’t be a birthday party. Just a boring gathering,” Gintoki rocked in his chair. He clearly had no intention to get back to reading any time soon. “A magician is a must in every birthday party, like the cake with the candles.”

“The magician isn’t necessary. All you need is the cake and candles on top of it and there; you have yourself a party. Everything else is just waste of money when you think about it.”

The floor shook when Gintoki slammed his chair back on the four legs. “How do you think those birthday wishes will come true then when you blow the candles if you don’t have a magician?”

Hijikata finally lifted his gaze from the book. He wasn’t making any progress anyway. “Magician doesn’t make the wishes come true. Birthday spirit grants them.”

Gintoki gave a short, mocking laugh. “It’s the magician who grants the wishes. Even for ungrateful brats like you who don’t believe in magic and misbehaves the whole year without doing any good deeds.”

“Misbehave…? We aren’t talking about Santa Claus here!”

Sharp hushing reached Hijikata’s ears again, and it made him wonder if he had stepped into a snakes’ nest instead of a library. The librarians’ stern eyes followed him from the shadows when he leaned over the table, dropping his voice to a whisper. “Just admit it. The only reason you chose that book is because it has more _pictures_ than words in it.”

Gintoki merely shrugged. “Picture is worth a thousand word.”

Hijikata dragged his fingernails down the table, gritting his teeth. He snatched the magic tricks book from Gintoki’s hands and replaced it with a book that was thick and heavy as a brick. “Get to work.”

When he turned his back to Gintoki, the pile of books on the table suddenly doubled in his eyes as a pressuring pain ran through his head. Fine, grey particles swirled in the air, tickling his throat.

“It was a bit dusty,” Gintoki said, and dropped _The rise and fall of the poison apples_ from his hands.

Hijikata blindly grabbed the nearest book from the pile to hammer Yorozuya’s head with it, until he noticed how different the book looked compared to the others. It was small, no bigger than a novel. A mild earthy scent of the loose leather covers tingled in his nose, and the soft front board bent under his touch when he swept his fingers over the worn out title. Only a few letters were visible enough to read, making it impossible to figure out the name. Hijikata opened the book, revealing its yellowish-brown colored pages filled with an aroma of rosin and oil. Hand drawn pictures of animals’ and humans’ anatomy, maps of unfamiliar places, notes about astronomy… the content took Hijikata by surprise, when he carefully turned the pages on the book that had nearly separated in half, being held together only by a few cotton strings.

Time passed as Hijikata’s observant eyes examined the stained pages. The hope that had risen in him was slowly getting buried by the growing despair, when he had almost finished the book. But then one of the pages caught his attention more than the others. The page was torn, half of it missing, but it was the drawing on the corner that made his heart skip a beat. Hijikata nudged sleepy Gintoki, whose annoyed expression quickly changed to a stunned one when Hijikata showed him the picture of a Digital Pet.

Quietly, Hijikata read out loud the handwriting under it. “The history of the Digital Pets is not well known, and most of the collected information is based on people’s imagination, rumors and old memories. For centuries, people have argued about the origin of these mystical objects that were believed to reveal their owners’ true feelings.”

“Keep going,” Gintoki leaped from his chair and came to stand behind Hijikata.

“Some say they were creations of the devil. And then there are those who believe in an ancient story that has passed through generations. A story about a young woman with a creative mind, Makita Ai. Her beauty was indescribable, and men of all ages tried to woo her, but it was all in vain, for Makita’s heart belonged to those in need. In the small village that she lived in, she never turned her back on those who asked for help.”

“Too bad she isn’t here to help _us_ now,” Gintoki breathed down Hijikata’s nape, causing a chilling sensation to go through Hijikata’s body.

Hijikata only hummed in response, and pulled himself closer to the table, away from Gintoki’s warm and sweet-scented breath. Then he continued, “She was a great inventor, and though her inventions usually were created on the spur of the moment, they were always received with joy by the people. That is, until the day that she made the Digital Pets.”

Hijikata glanced over his shoulder at Gintoki, who gestured with a nod for him to continue reading. “They were supposed to be her greatest inventions, something, that would help people to realize their true feelings and find the happiness in their lives.”

“Well isn’t that nice. Are you soon getting to the part where it tells how to get rid of these little inventions of hers?” Gintoki asked, clearly growing impatient.

“Shut up and listen,” Hijikata hissed, feeling the burning gazes of the librarians on him again.

“No, you shut up. I’ll take it from here,” Gintoki took the book closer to himself. “But instead of happiness, the Digital Pets gave birth to a creature with dark thoughts. Saddened by the sorrow that her creations had caused, Makita decided to get rid of them, but soon found herself to be unable to destroy them with any power that she possessed. She hid the Digital Pets from the evil, and hidden and guarded they would remain, until one day they would finally be destroyed.”

Gintoki turned over the torn paper. “Is that it? No instructions, not even hints about how to get rid of this curse? _Nothing_? Oh, hush to yourself!” he turned to the librarians. “What kind of library are you running here, when books are missing half of the pages?”

Hijikata stared at the book discouraged. In the end, it had been just another time waster. He collected the books from the table, while listening Yorozuya’s and librarians’ quarrel about wasting the taxpayers’ money. His arm accidentally swiped the leather covered book down to the floor and a small, yellowish colored piece of paper fell out of it. Hijikata picked it up and read the writing on it.

_Closely look, it’s small and frail,_

_close your eyes, and soon hear its wail._

_Never leave it behind, there’s no place for shirking_

_watch your back, there’s always darkness lurking._

_Honesty is the key for the happiness inside you_

_show what you feel, and no longer feel blue._

_Compassion and kindness, those you should crave,_

_anger and apathy will take you to grave._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Makita Ai is actually an anagram for Maita Aki, the inventor of Tamagotchi.  
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
